Sunday, June 06, 2010


What to do with myself?
I’ve got a strange skill set, to say the least.
There are plenty of things I’m good at, but none of the stuff I enjoy really works as a way of life.
At the moment, I’m afraid, I’m having trouble finding true enjoyment in anything; understandably, I think.
I spend much of my time these days examining the things flitting, oozing and blazing through my mind. Trying to excavate parts of me too long calcified.
Some of it, I’ve come to terms with. Other things, I’m still processing, still exploring. Some, I might never understand. I think that I’ll be able to accept the bits that elude me, once I have some idea of what these things are. I may be able to accept riddles with no answers, but first I need to find out exactly what those riddles are.
I think I understand where I’ve been these past years. I’m quite certain that I understand the better part of how current events came to be. I regret it, and it shames me, but I’m trying my best not to get sucked into it. That’s no way to live.
An (un)healthy part of my mind wants to do just that, though- just curl back up in my hole until I’m emotionally dead again. To be honest, it’s not that it hurts any less in that hole- but at least the pain in there is familiar.
Instead, I breathe. I try to relax and let the feelings move like waves- coming in, then receding. Admittedly, a lot of the waves are still crashing in, but I try. Day by day, breath by breath, I work at it. In some things, I think I’ve enjoyed some measure of success. But I know there is so much more ahead. I know the fight is far from done. Some days are so much harder than others. Sometimes it feels like too much. Sometimes it’s all I can do to hang on to what I’ve gained, to keep hold of the clarity I’ve gained, the clarity that is, frankly, my only hope as a human being. So I keep breathing. I put these thoughts down in writing, hoping to alleviate some of the pain, hoping to draw some of the venom out.
I’m not sure what I want out of life, and that anxiety is added to everything that’s going on. I’m afraid of the future. I try to keep things day-to-day, try to keep myself grounded and keep things immediate enough to focus on things without the anxiety, without the fear, but that’s hard, too. But I cannot avoid the future. It descends inexorably- a mountain grinding down on all of us moment by moment. And I don’t know how to face it alone.
Oh, I know the mechanics of how to survive out in the wide world. It’s been a while since I had to worry about that stuff, but I know how it’s done. But between having no idea what I want, without a tangible rudder and starting from pretty literally a backward-moving starting point, the future seems more than daunting.

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