Tuesday, June 08, 2010


Looks like I flubbed the html on that last one.
Maybe I should have just used youtube's embed code.
Oh, well.

So... apparently, I graduated today.
I'm not entirely sure what that means.

I can tell you for damned sure it doesn't mean I'm done.
All the classic cliches about endless struggles? The others about being one's own worst enemy?

But it's cool. For a given value of "cool", anyway.
I haven't got much else to do most days but kick the shit out of myself. ;)

Missed out on a job opportunity today. Turns out they interviewed internally first, then hired one of their receptionists on the spot. From answering the phone to IT. The American Dream, I guess.
Oh, well.

Monday, June 07, 2010

Don't read too much into it...

it's just a song I liked enough to share.

Oh, it stings at times, but it's just a song.

Sunday, June 06, 2010


What to do with myself?
I’ve got a strange skill set, to say the least.
There are plenty of things I’m good at, but none of the stuff I enjoy really works as a way of life.
At the moment, I’m afraid, I’m having trouble finding true enjoyment in anything; understandably, I think.
I spend much of my time these days examining the things flitting, oozing and blazing through my mind. Trying to excavate parts of me too long calcified.
Some of it, I’ve come to terms with. Other things, I’m still processing, still exploring. Some, I might never understand. I think that I’ll be able to accept the bits that elude me, once I have some idea of what these things are. I may be able to accept riddles with no answers, but first I need to find out exactly what those riddles are.
I think I understand where I’ve been these past years. I’m quite certain that I understand the better part of how current events came to be. I regret it, and it shames me, but I’m trying my best not to get sucked into it. That’s no way to live.
An (un)healthy part of my mind wants to do just that, though- just curl back up in my hole until I’m emotionally dead again. To be honest, it’s not that it hurts any less in that hole- but at least the pain in there is familiar.
Instead, I breathe. I try to relax and let the feelings move like waves- coming in, then receding. Admittedly, a lot of the waves are still crashing in, but I try. Day by day, breath by breath, I work at it. In some things, I think I’ve enjoyed some measure of success. But I know there is so much more ahead. I know the fight is far from done. Some days are so much harder than others. Sometimes it feels like too much. Sometimes it’s all I can do to hang on to what I’ve gained, to keep hold of the clarity I’ve gained, the clarity that is, frankly, my only hope as a human being. So I keep breathing. I put these thoughts down in writing, hoping to alleviate some of the pain, hoping to draw some of the venom out.
I’m not sure what I want out of life, and that anxiety is added to everything that’s going on. I’m afraid of the future. I try to keep things day-to-day, try to keep myself grounded and keep things immediate enough to focus on things without the anxiety, without the fear, but that’s hard, too. But I cannot avoid the future. It descends inexorably- a mountain grinding down on all of us moment by moment. And I don’t know how to face it alone.
Oh, I know the mechanics of how to survive out in the wide world. It’s been a while since I had to worry about that stuff, but I know how it’s done. But between having no idea what I want, without a tangible rudder and starting from pretty literally a backward-moving starting point, the future seems more than daunting.

Tuesday, June 01, 2010

heh. Not bad, I guess.

Something occurred to me today on my way… home… from my emo-moshing at Kaiser’s East Interstate facility:
I’ve been driving through downtown every day for the last week or so!
That may seem like a really odd thing to be excited about or proud of, but not so long ago it was a huge trial for me to even ride in a car downtown, let alone drive.
This realization led to another- other drivers don’t bother me so much anymore; at least, not like they used to.
Oh, I admit that other drivers still frustrate the hell out of me sometimes, even piss me off. But there have been times over the last few years when they would absolutely enrage me.

This all came to me as I was sitting on the raised Burnside Bridge, waiting for a ship to pass beneath. It suddenly struck me that I had never done that before. I’d never been on any of the bridges here, waiting for a boat. Not that this is actually a banner accomplishment or anything- it was just a thing, but a novel thing. Something I had not experienced.
As small as it may seem, it was sort of cool.